As a clinical therapist, I meet with a variety of clients who experience stress and are motivated to decrease the tension in their lives. Most state, “I know this should’ve stress me out, but…” This invalidates the fact they have the feelings that are present. I very often find myself explaining some basic tenets of feelings, including how we can identify them and recognize that how we express emotion is individual to our own experiences.
We are all born wired with eight primary emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, interest, surprise, disgust and shame or guilt. We have hundreds of secondary emotions that help us specify the nature of the feeling. Some are taught to us by our parents, our teachers or our friends, and others are learned from experiences.
We tend to learn into the “positive” emotions like pleasure or comfort. The “negative” or fear-based emotions are designed to set off our body’s alarm system. They tell the body to avoid or act.
In our present society, we learn at a very young age to avoid feelings. Even identifying or naming them is something most children learn to do. As children, we see others stuffing down their emotions and are told to “look for the silver lining” (don’t be sad) or that we “need to be strong” (don’t cry). When we avoid our feelings, it creates a powder keg of stress within us that manifests in tight necks and shoulders, rapid heartbeats and aching backs.
Learning to listen to our bodies and identify our feelings in the moment allows us to be compassionate with the emotions we feel. This vulnerability gives us time to process the situation or feelings associated with the emotions. Allowing ourselves to feel stressed and then take care of ourselves in a healthy manner reduces the amount of stress we ultimately feel.
Activities proven to reduce stress include, but are not limited to, meditation, yoga, walking or other exercise, breathing techniques like square breathing and art. Shoot, if vacuuming relieves your tension and stress, then vacuum away! What you ultimately do while participating in these activities is slow things down and care for yourself in the moment.
As a society, we don’t do this nearly enough. As a result, rates of depression and anxiety amongst children and adults increase yearly. Not to mention the damage stress does to the body.
In the book "Atlas of the Heart," by Brene Brown, she states, “language shows us that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding and meaning." When we allow ourselves to identify, name, allow and finally care for our emotions, we validate our experiences. Conversely, when we avoid our feelings, we create internal stress that makes us feel less vulnerable in the short term but creates stress long term.
Finding peace starts with you and your ability to validate your feelings, manage your thoughts and prioritize self-care.
