Name: Desk yoga.

Age: Yoga is at least 5,000 years old. Desks are comparative youngsters; they’re probably medieval.

Appearance: Stretchy.

You’ve been hunched over that screen for hours. Fancy a coffee? No thanks.

Vape down the alleyway? Trip to the vending machine? Therapeutic gossip about Alan’s shirt? No, I’m going to take my Y-break.

Your what? I’m taking inspiration from India’s civil service, which is encouraging staff to take a “Y-break”, incorporating desk yoga into their day to “de-stress, refresh and refocus”.

What would de-stress, refresh and refocus me is not being at work. Shhh … close your eyes, take a deep breath and exhale.

This just sounds like another way for competitive office exercisers to show off. As if it wasn’t bad enough them parading around in sweaty Lycra and talking about CrossFit, now we’re endorsing crow poses on the photocopier? This isn’t for yoga show-offs. The Y-break protocol suggests four six-minute routines and they’re pretty sensible and low-key. Mostly it’s sitting or standing stretches, twists and breathing exercises, not one-legged planks. One of the breathing exercises does involve making a “steady humming sound”, though.

Rachel already does that when she’s writing emails – it drives me mad. Sounds like you both need the “Yoga for Workaholics 2” video, which, sweetly, has two colleagues doing stretches and heel raises together.

Absolutely not. Although it would also feel weird doing yoga while everyone else was beavering away. Are there ways of secretly exercising while you work? Personally, I favour the traditional “walking around while carrying some papers” approach: get your steps in and no one bothers you. But if you’re deskbound, try leg raises and ankle circles.

How about cardio? You can buy under-the-desk bikes, treadmills and elliptical trainers, but the best way to raise your heart rate at work is still to press “reply” instead of “forward” when you’re making a sarky comment about your boss’s latest motivational email.

Beats CrossFit any day. Do other employers support office arm-waving and alternate nostril breathing? Some go further: there are US companies that pay employees to attend exercise classes, or offer on-site workouts.

Brrrr. Is there not an argument that employer-endorsed health and fitness initiatives are just about maintaining productivity? What, ensuring our broken bodies and spirits remain profit centres until we can be replaced by robots? Surely not. Namaste!

Do say: “Join us for 6am energising flow with the CEO in conference room 3!”

Don’t say: “Sorry, we can’t accommodate your flexible working request, but why not try two minutes of nourishing cat-cow stretches?”

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