Mel, 32, says: ‘Oh we love a spot of AI to give us the goss on what’s going on inside, don’t we?

‘Sidling up to the tablet in the brand’s west London store, I enter a few contact details to receive my results (and perhaps a surprise email subscription or two, who’s to say) before staring at the camera for a minute as the funky robot scans my face and learns my deepest darkest secrets.

‘Instead of setting off every alarm in the shopping centre to alert passersby what an unhealthy heathen has walked in the door, I’m surprised to learn I’m pretty much perfect.

‘Well, sort of.

‘According to the analytics – which I’m told is 95% accurate and has been honed on 10,000 individuals…now 10,0001, despite not knowing my age, height, or weight – my ‘physical wellbeing’ is ‘good’ and I’ve given the score 86/100.

My score after the scan (Picture:

‘Blood pressure and heart rate? Excellent. Breathing? Yep, that’s excellent, too. Heart rate variability is ‘average’, which is apparently a measure of how much your heart rate fluctuates.

‘What may have had it fluctuating is my stress, which was measured as ‘moderate’ and which is also an understatement of the century.

‘One of the Botanical Pharmacy’s, er, botanical pharmacists then tailored a quick, in-store facial to address my AI-confirmed stressed complexion, as another of the attentive salespeople slathered some cooling muscle balm onto my aching knee and glugged some CBD oil down my throat to try and turn this customer into a cool one.

‘I have to say, I sort of wish they’d measured my stress levels on the way out, as after a brilliant hand massage and relaxing facial I felt like I was floating on air and my stress levels were now, at the very least, ‘good’.’

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