Is there a doctor in the house? The first lady has COVID-19!
Oh, thank goodness. Jill Biden is a doctor. Everything will be fine.
Best of all, she has already taken the precautions to avoid getting COVID-19 in the first place. She takes this whole pandemic very, very seriously.
Dr. Biden is double-vaccinated, quintuple-boosted and already twice infected. Can a gal be any more immune from the Wu flu?
And, like we said, she is a “doctor”! So, she trusts the science.
The White House’s truly historic press secretary announced this week that the first lady is “experiencing mild symptoms” and will remain in Delaware for the week.
This always raises an awkward question: Who will step in to take care of President Biden at the White House and change him when he needs it? Somebody get the number for Visiting Angels in Washington. They make house calls.
Historic White House spokeshuman Karine Jean-Pierre, who is historic, said the president has been repeatedly tested for COVID-19 and — unsurprisingly — failed each test. Perhaps this is why he refuses to take a cognitive exam.
She also said he is not experiencing any symptoms. But then again, Mr. Biden has not experienced any symptoms of a heartbeat or respiration in months.
Still, following his wife’s lead, Mr. Biden will take all unnecessary precautions to perform for the cameras that he takes COVID-19 very seriously.
“He will be masking while indoors and around people, in alignment with CDC guidance. And, as has been the practice in the past, the president will remove his mask when sufficiently distanced from others indoors and while outside as well,” Ms. Jean-Pierre “said.”
The word “said” is in quotation marks because while she did say those words, she was nervously cheating by reading the words off a prepared statement while pretending to speak naturally. This is one of the things that makes Ms. Jean-Pierre so historic.
The other thing that makes Ms. Jean-Pierre so historic is the way she always appears to be drowning while speaking at the lectern of the White House press briefing room. She faces off every day against the most ridiculous, compliant press in U.S. history (somebody asked Wednesday if the White House is opposed to “lynching”), and yet she still manages to get outsmarted every day.
The incompetence contained in one single human defies all science and logic — which makes it all the more remarkable that the White House remains so dedicated to “trusting the science.”
Within an hour of the historic press secretary announcing that President Biden would wear a mask indoors and outdoors and remove his mask only when “sufficiently distanced” from others, Mr. Biden appeared in the East Room to bestow the Medal of Honor to retired Army Capt. Larry Taylor.
Mr. Taylor displayed extraordinary heroism as a helicopter pilot in Vietnam when he risked his life to save the lives of four other American troops. Today, he is 81 years old, which puts him right in the sweet spot of being most vulnerable to catching and dying from COVID-19.
Mr. Biden walked into the room, all masked up. Yet when it came time to pin the Medal of Honor around the neck of Mr. Taylor, Mr. Biden inexplicably removed his mask and hovered all around the great warrior’s face. During the entire procedure, Mr. Biden was at the approximate distance from Mr. Taylor that Mr. Biden prefers when sniffing the hair of little girls.
After pinning the medal on Mr. Taylor, Mr. Biden beat a hasty retreat — inexplicably walking off the stage, shuffling down the aisle and leaving the ceremony. Everyone in attendance was confused, but at least it wasn’t as deadly and as costly as Mr. Biden’s last retreat from Afghanistan.
The next day, historic White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was asked about Mr. Biden’s puzzling performance and his reckless disregard for Mr. Taylor’s health. First, she claimed Mr. Biden’s sudden departure was entirely intentional — to relieve Mr. Taylor of the president’s noxious COVID-19 breath.
“We know what works,” she explained. “We do.”
Asked about the new government mask guidelines popping up all over the country, she further explained: “The CDC — they are the experts. They use science.”
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.