Space (Personal)
Cultivate cosmic calm in your baby with planet decals, constellation-printed bedding, and a wall hanging of an astronaut floating alone in the void that is space. You might find yourself envying the astronaut, as all opportunities for solitude have been swallowed up by your precious little infant-shaped black hole. Put on the decorative space helmet, close your eyes, and pretend that this nursery is still your office. The universe is rapidly expanding—if only the same were true of your two-bedroom apartment.
Under the Sea, and Feeling Underwater
Turquoise walls are patterned with smiling jellyfish, dolphins, and turtles, so you’ll be the only one in this nursery who’s concerned about drowning. There is a life buoy to reassure you, but unfortunately it’s mounted on the ceiling, forever out of reach. Like the ocean, parenthood is beautiful but inhospitable to human life—specifically yours. If this environment causes you to hyperventilate, supplemental oxygen is conveniently located in a scuba tank under the crib.
Curious George Checks to Make Sure That the Baby Is Alive for the Hundredth Time
This theme is guaranteed to spark curiosity in your little one while also satisfying your own—at least regarding questions such as “Is the baby still breathing?” and “How about now?” Monitors that track your baby’s heart rate and respiration are hidden in strategically placed Curious George plush toys. Posters of the lovable primate conceal one-way mirrors that enable you to observe your child while also rethinking your position on mass surveillance. If your little one seems too still, sneak in and confirm the faint rise and fall of their chest with Curious George-branded night-vision goggles. You’re unsure about a second kid, but at least this one will enjoy the company of Big Brother.
Cars, Trucks, and Other Vehicles for a Midlife Crisis
You decide that it’s not too soon to plan for a midlife crisis after receiving a third gift mug that reads “The days are long, but the years are short.” Motorcycle wallpaper, Hummer-shaped lamps, and Sea-Doo throw pillows introduce your child to the wide array of vehicles that you might buy to broadcast your loss of identity to the outside world.
Travel and Adventure You’ll Forgo to Give This Baby a Decent Life
Behold the Wall of Unrealized Vacations—a map that pairs postcards from indefinitely postponed dream destinations with sample receipts for the child-centric expenses that you’ll incur instead. Skipping trips to the Serengeti, the Galápagos, and the Great Barrier Reef will save you almost enough to cover one year of child care. But don’t despair—according to the receipts, you can approximate the cost and thrill of a Formula 1 race in Monaco by racing between stores during a months-long formula shortage. Oh, the places you’ll enjoy vicariously on Google Earth!
Library of Books on Parenting That You Should Have Read in Advance
An ABCs poster peeks out between stacks of parenting books that you meant to read before the baby came, but will never have time to read now—when it’s too late. Their presence in the nursery will teach your child the importance of reading, and strengthen your conviction that you’re a terrible parent who’s doing everything wrong.
Counting and Measuring the Effects of Parenthood
Prime your child for a career in data analytics with number blocks, measuring cups, and graphs depicting their impact on your sleep quality and relationship satisfaction. They’ll learn to identify negative trend lines and, one day, grapple with questions of correlation versus causation.
Dinosaurs and Other Things That Are Extinct, as Far as You’re Concerned
A three-hundred-and-sixty-degree mural depicts dinos reënacting scenes from an era of your life that now feels practically Jurassic. A pterodactyl buys a last-minute plane ticket to Ibiza, and flies with just one carry-on bag. A velociraptor couple goes out for their weekly date night. After waking up at 9:30 A.M., a triceratops heads out to grab brunch with friends and just see where the day goes.
Minimalist
You procrastinated.
